Finding the off switch

The most wonderful thing happened this week, I found the off switch.

A woman once told me that it was very difficult to work from her home because there was not a separation between working time and down time. In the back of her mind it was always work.

For the past few years I have always had the "I need to figure out how to make money" constantly on in my head. How it drowned out time with my son. Time preparing good food or time to be able to rest. The past year there has also been, "I need to figure out how to afford my own place, make money while not sacrificing time with my son." Then there was, "people are probably thinking I should move out of my parents so I do not drain them." (No one ever said this, yet I thought it vividly just the same.)

Then, it happened. The flip switched. And I realized that it is ok for me to live here now. I can work toward moving out but not at the "I have to move out yesterday" speed. That money will come and I can stop thinking about it every second. And I have thoroughly enjoyed time spend with my son this week and we have eaten at home more. It has been incredible.

And in general, I just feel at peace. Able to be. without all the figuring.

"Kiss your life...."

Yesterday, I had the most incredible time taking my lip balms to 2 potential venders. When I was finished, I had some time to spare. I was on Front Street downtown Wilmington. It is such a wonderful place to be surrounded by such life: people on bicycles, musicians on the street corner, and being so close to the water. A store called Manifest caught my eye, enough to cross the street and go in. I saw a piece  of art that stuck a cord deep within me. It was simply a quote that read:

"Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by."

And it was a sweet, blissful afternoon, not even getting soaked in the rain dampened my spirits.
Sweet Ping desperately trying to sell me fudge, shoes, or anything. Kind Liane talking with me.
But then the evening began to fall and loneliness tried to creep in, blinding me to the fact that I was at the beach with my little one. Thankfully I realized the spell it was trying to cast on me before I let it overtake me. Then again today a darkness tried to surround me and make me forget all the good that surrounds me. And just when I felt lost and alone, a warm kindness of a stranger and the generosity of family friends fall upon me without them even knowing that I needed it at that very moment.

So "muchos besos" (as my Spanish family would say) to my life then, now, and in the future. But mostly to the now.

Gliding

I made the best purchase the other night: a $7 scooter, just my size.
I have been going on scooter rides pretty regularly for months. (But I have been walking them as my son scooters.) Now to be scootering too, I can't tell you how much a difference it makes.
When I was walking with him, our pace was determined by him. If he slowed, I would stand and wait. I would get impatient on the way back in the heat. I was more of a onlooker in the activity than a partaking in it.

In some ways this year has been like my journey from getting up, to walking, and finally to gliding.
I realized this today as I was doing figure 8s and circles on my scooter, while I was waiting for my son. It felt so free to glide, to be moving even if I wasn't progressing anymore than I would be if I was standing there. Maybe I wasn't getting any closer to my goal, but it sure felt good to move. To feel the wind. To feel free.

You see, I moved back home with my parents about a year ago and was just plain tired.  A good friend of mine (that I talked to today) helped me get up and get moving when all I yearned for was to just curl up and just lay there. There are times in life when we are fortunate to just lay there, and there are other times when we have to try, flailing though we may be. And how I have attempted it all, some good fits, some not so much. But I am so encouraged by the fact that I have been trying, moving.

As I was telling the same friend today, I finally feel like my life is flowing, whereas a year ago, I felt stuck, and it was all I could do to put one step in front of another. Then months past, and I was troding, but what a heavy trod. And now I'm still not to the end of my road, but what a glorious feeling to glide. I still don't quite feel as I set the pace for how fast I am getting to the goal, but I am enjoying the ride. And what a difference that makes!

The process

Tonight I had the best time with my niece & nephew in the back yard. We played a game with 2 balls and rules we made up. Then we had races. All types of races, running, shuffling, skipping, backwards running, (we even attempted a wheel barrel race, though we did not get far.) My 13 year old nephew kept telling me that I couldn't beat him. And it was true that he crossed the finish line before me every time. But what he couldn't have known is that I felt like I was winning by just participating. I have never been a runner, but something about it has called out to me lately. (I was so proud of my 3 blocks I ran at the beach the other day.) It felt so good to do something for my body. To sweat, to keep on when I was winded, to keep at it when it was hard.

I feel the same way about my newest endeavor: tinted balms for cheeks and lips. I tried 2 new potential dyes today, to find out that neither wouldn't work, but then on my 3rd try, I created the most beautiful shade of reddish orange. (Also a surprise because I thought it would be more orangey red, [yes, there is a difference].) There are so many variables, what dye, how much, how long, mixing it with another, at what ratio, what label would best represent this shade. How the powder form varies from the root or seed form in depth of color. How I need to make adjustments to my etsy page. What type of etsy advertising do I want to do. What vendors do I want to seek out next. Do I go ahead and order more tins?

But what I am discovering is that this figuring it out is not a problem, it is problem solving. And it feels incredible. To work hard and get each product to where I feel happy about it, has been a real joy. Same for finding new clothes and items for my "one day" house. This process has brought life back into my weary soul.

I also realized tonight that I haven't  "let go" of guilt for not being where I thought I would at this point in my life. For inside of me, not trusting the process of life to get me to where I yearn to be. Or feeling guilty for feeling this way. But I think admitting this is also part of the process of being able to move forward. One day my tinted balms will be a success, and I live in my peaceful, color filled home, and will have moved on to the next venture, but had I not lived at my parent's home on this summer day, I would have missed an irreplaceable experience with my niece and nephew.

The finished product. [Not the shade mentioned in the post. That one is so new it hasn't been photographed yet.]

The measure of success

 I had a very successful day yesterday. I went out in quest of showing one of my products to find some new vendors. I knew not to make a list when I set out, because I knew with the amount of time I had and the distance to cover, there was no way that I could see all the places that I wanted to visit. I decided to take the next move as it came. And let the interactions that I had not be rushed, but let myself have quality interactions with people.
Let me tell you, I saw a lot of green!! (Ok, so it wasn't money.) I actually spent money most places I went. At the end of the day, I had no new orders. But in reflection, I still consider this day a success. A picture at one place I stopped said, "Hard work is the yeast that rises the dough." I got to check in with a current vendor & left with a book on flowers. I got some great feedback and some potential ideas from another, and left with a great buckeye and a cream soda. I stopped into 2 other stores that rent out vender spaces, to look around to get ideas. It was there that the "What are you doing?" "Your not doing it right" feeling surged through my insides. So I decided it was just the right time to take my friends advice and go to the beach alone. How fantastic it felt to swim out in the deep and then just float, not trying to do anything, but just be. Chased all those thoughts away, and brought me back to a state of wellbeing. I got to ride in the country with all it's lush green, swim in an ocean the shade of tea, talk with people along the way, and take what I gleaned. I am so very proud of myself for taking initiative, even though it seems far fetched, even though "for the present" I have "nothing" to show for it. I leapt and it feels good to try. So I will keep leaping until I land on the ground that I want to be on.

Inspiration

Covered in ...

What can you do when you think your jumping on solid ground to discover that you are really jumping into a boggy mud?
I let out a very loud laugh, then went to look for a faucet to wash my foot clean.

It is so much easier to laugh at being covered in mud literally than when your day seems to be covered in mud.


I once heard a man say (sorry, mama, in advance for the PG-13 word:), Let the shit in your life be your fertilizer.

So after a good cry and a good nap (about the life part, not the foot), I'm back at "keepin on."