"Kiss your life...."

Yesterday, I had the most incredible time taking my lip balms to 2 potential venders. When I was finished, I had some time to spare. I was on Front Street downtown Wilmington. It is such a wonderful place to be surrounded by such life: people on bicycles, musicians on the street corner, and being so close to the water. A store called Manifest caught my eye, enough to cross the street and go in. I saw a piece  of art that stuck a cord deep within me. It was simply a quote that read:

"Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now. So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for don't pass you by."

And it was a sweet, blissful afternoon, not even getting soaked in the rain dampened my spirits.
Sweet Ping desperately trying to sell me fudge, shoes, or anything. Kind Liane talking with me.
But then the evening began to fall and loneliness tried to creep in, blinding me to the fact that I was at the beach with my little one. Thankfully I realized the spell it was trying to cast on me before I let it overtake me. Then again today a darkness tried to surround me and make me forget all the good that surrounds me. And just when I felt lost and alone, a warm kindness of a stranger and the generosity of family friends fall upon me without them even knowing that I needed it at that very moment.

So "muchos besos" (as my Spanish family would say) to my life then, now, and in the future. But mostly to the now.

Gliding

I made the best purchase the other night: a $7 scooter, just my size.
I have been going on scooter rides pretty regularly for months. (But I have been walking them as my son scooters.) Now to be scootering too, I can't tell you how much a difference it makes.
When I was walking with him, our pace was determined by him. If he slowed, I would stand and wait. I would get impatient on the way back in the heat. I was more of a onlooker in the activity than a partaking in it.

In some ways this year has been like my journey from getting up, to walking, and finally to gliding.
I realized this today as I was doing figure 8s and circles on my scooter, while I was waiting for my son. It felt so free to glide, to be moving even if I wasn't progressing anymore than I would be if I was standing there. Maybe I wasn't getting any closer to my goal, but it sure felt good to move. To feel the wind. To feel free.

You see, I moved back home with my parents about a year ago and was just plain tired.  A good friend of mine (that I talked to today) helped me get up and get moving when all I yearned for was to just curl up and just lay there. There are times in life when we are fortunate to just lay there, and there are other times when we have to try, flailing though we may be. And how I have attempted it all, some good fits, some not so much. But I am so encouraged by the fact that I have been trying, moving.

As I was telling the same friend today, I finally feel like my life is flowing, whereas a year ago, I felt stuck, and it was all I could do to put one step in front of another. Then months past, and I was troding, but what a heavy trod. And now I'm still not to the end of my road, but what a glorious feeling to glide. I still don't quite feel as I set the pace for how fast I am getting to the goal, but I am enjoying the ride. And what a difference that makes!

The process

Tonight I had the best time with my niece & nephew in the back yard. We played a game with 2 balls and rules we made up. Then we had races. All types of races, running, shuffling, skipping, backwards running, (we even attempted a wheel barrel race, though we did not get far.) My 13 year old nephew kept telling me that I couldn't beat him. And it was true that he crossed the finish line before me every time. But what he couldn't have known is that I felt like I was winning by just participating. I have never been a runner, but something about it has called out to me lately. (I was so proud of my 3 blocks I ran at the beach the other day.) It felt so good to do something for my body. To sweat, to keep on when I was winded, to keep at it when it was hard.

I feel the same way about my newest endeavor: tinted balms for cheeks and lips. I tried 2 new potential dyes today, to find out that neither wouldn't work, but then on my 3rd try, I created the most beautiful shade of reddish orange. (Also a surprise because I thought it would be more orangey red, [yes, there is a difference].) There are so many variables, what dye, how much, how long, mixing it with another, at what ratio, what label would best represent this shade. How the powder form varies from the root or seed form in depth of color. How I need to make adjustments to my etsy page. What type of etsy advertising do I want to do. What vendors do I want to seek out next. Do I go ahead and order more tins?

But what I am discovering is that this figuring it out is not a problem, it is problem solving. And it feels incredible. To work hard and get each product to where I feel happy about it, has been a real joy. Same for finding new clothes and items for my "one day" house. This process has brought life back into my weary soul.

I also realized tonight that I haven't  "let go" of guilt for not being where I thought I would at this point in my life. For inside of me, not trusting the process of life to get me to where I yearn to be. Or feeling guilty for feeling this way. But I think admitting this is also part of the process of being able to move forward. One day my tinted balms will be a success, and I live in my peaceful, color filled home, and will have moved on to the next venture, but had I not lived at my parent's home on this summer day, I would have missed an irreplaceable experience with my niece and nephew.

The finished product. [Not the shade mentioned in the post. That one is so new it hasn't been photographed yet.]

The measure of success

 I had a very successful day yesterday. I went out in quest of showing one of my products to find some new vendors. I knew not to make a list when I set out, because I knew with the amount of time I had and the distance to cover, there was no way that I could see all the places that I wanted to visit. I decided to take the next move as it came. And let the interactions that I had not be rushed, but let myself have quality interactions with people.
Let me tell you, I saw a lot of green!! (Ok, so it wasn't money.) I actually spent money most places I went. At the end of the day, I had no new orders. But in reflection, I still consider this day a success. A picture at one place I stopped said, "Hard work is the yeast that rises the dough." I got to check in with a current vendor & left with a book on flowers. I got some great feedback and some potential ideas from another, and left with a great buckeye and a cream soda. I stopped into 2 other stores that rent out vender spaces, to look around to get ideas. It was there that the "What are you doing?" "Your not doing it right" feeling surged through my insides. So I decided it was just the right time to take my friends advice and go to the beach alone. How fantastic it felt to swim out in the deep and then just float, not trying to do anything, but just be. Chased all those thoughts away, and brought me back to a state of wellbeing. I got to ride in the country with all it's lush green, swim in an ocean the shade of tea, talk with people along the way, and take what I gleaned. I am so very proud of myself for taking initiative, even though it seems far fetched, even though "for the present" I have "nothing" to show for it. I leapt and it feels good to try. So I will keep leaping until I land on the ground that I want to be on.

Inspiration

Covered in ...

What can you do when you think your jumping on solid ground to discover that you are really jumping into a boggy mud?
I let out a very loud laugh, then went to look for a faucet to wash my foot clean.

It is so much easier to laugh at being covered in mud literally than when your day seems to be covered in mud.


I once heard a man say (sorry, mama, in advance for the PG-13 word:), Let the shit in your life be your fertilizer.

So after a good cry and a good nap (about the life part, not the foot), I'm back at "keepin on."

Journey back with me

Music from many different decades has always resonated with me.

Truckin' by Fats Waller

 

Baby it's Cold Outside by Doris Day and Bing Crosby

 

Brand New Key by Melanie

takes me back to the days of Biochemistry with Indi and Matt





a few gifts

I was so excited today to open my package that came in the post (sometimes I forget what I order :) to see that it was wood. Red Sandalwood to be specific. Now that I have a few shades that I love in my tinted balm for cheeks and lips, I wanted to expand the shade selection. Today, I have been extremely tired, as I was yesterday, so I am not going to attempt it right now, but I am excited to see what it will turn out to be.....

The other gift was being instrumental in someone else's decision. Isn't it funny how by letting someone help you out, in turn, you help them out as well. What a beautiful dance life is, like a square dance with out the guy shouting out what move to do next. (Or maybe he is and we just don't hear him.) Passing from one partner to the next, the dance is the same, but each person has their own take on it, as each persons experiences slightly differ. (To be more specific, as I generally speak in general terms: I commented on a blog I found when I was looking for my own one day. Bess, I am a blogger now. and my comment came at a crucial time to encourage her to keep blogging.  Michelle shares one of the most difficult & beautiful gifts: being candid. What a powerful thing it is to share: the mistakes, the highs, and the in between days. When we are real with each other, it is then that we connect the deepest, for we realize that we are not alone in our struggles. And what a bright hope that brings.)

Not long ago, I too had a "random" interaction with another on the internet by quite an unusual chance. And though it was just a short exchange, it too lifted my spirits, helped me realize more of my worth, and gives me hope.

Michelle, you blog as long as you want to! and when you don't want to, then stop. And if you choose to start again, get back at it. I am glad that you are still wanting to blog for now and I am glad that on a 'whim' with "Bess, you is my woman, you is, you is,....Because de sorrow of de past is all done done", singing in your head, you chose your blog title. May the sun shine bright for you today. Your friend, Bess

In the Crystal Shop

I realized today that I am in the crystal shop.
Figuratively that is.
This is a reference to my favorite book (at this time) -- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. (Thank you Megan for introducing me!) In the book, the main character is on his quest to find his Personal Legend. As he is journeying, he follows the omens to being robbed by a thief, leaving him no money, and he ends up working at a crystal shop for a year. "He could see that it wasn't exactly the kind of job that would make him happy." But he gives it his all, as it is all that he has in the present moment. He ends up learning much and giving back as well, before he was able to move on to following his Personal Legend. What seemed like a misfortune initially, actually profited him.

So how did I make the most of my present today, I cleaned the kitchen, I dusted the living room, I took the cat to the vet, I helped a bunch of girls add fabric appliques to shirts for a birthday party, I read my son lots of bed time stories. As you can see, its not always glamorous, but I can assure you that it was rewarding. To take care of what I have, to help others, to make the best use of my time, to invest in others.

So I am in the crystal shop, I have far to go; and I will get there. But it is a time for me to work hard where I am, enjoy my present moment, and let the lessons I am learning, mold me into who I am. And as they come, I am following the omens. {"What are those?", I can hear you thinking. Its is simply following the voice inside you, or your gut feeling, or an offer that comes out of nowhere, or a lead from a trusted friend, it's the things you can't quite always reasonably explain, but you just know you have to follow.}

Kopecky Family Band

Ran across the Kopecky Family Band recently, and had to share these with you!

 

Hope

 

Angry Eyes

 

Are you listening

 

Heartbeat

 

See if they are playing near you soon (here).



Cat Walk

 Sweet Shadow continued his journey today. My kind friend picked him to take him to the shelter that she volunteers at. Shadow let me hold him for the first time today. I am sad that he had to go. But I am grateful that he was with us for at least a short time, and I am thankful that he is being taken care of well now and that someone who is in a situation to care for him well will adopt him.  
A friend recently reminded me that "we never know who will be put in our path for a reason, a season or a lifetime." It quickens the fire under me to get my life in order that I would be capable to help others more.
My son and I recently read Cat Walk by Mary Stolz.
Phenomenal book! (So it's in the juvenile section at the library, which I like to call "the books for all ages" section.) It tells the story of another black cat whos journey home leads him to many places, some kind and others not. He even bravely left the place of his birth in order to find this place where he was most at peace. Letting go can be excruciating, but it can also be very cleansing and beneficial, if we let it.
So I had to let go of Shadow, so he could "journey on." It is comforting to me that even though it seems that Shadow was in my life for just a season, I was able to show him kindness & send him to a place where he will experience more kindness. And he in return brought a heartfelt smile to my face and the joy of sharing love.

An old shirt to a statement piece

 I always smile when I get compliments on my purple/grey shirt with the bird applique (because  it is at least 6 years old.) A year and a half ago I added the bird, and it became something special. I have always liked lots of color and I have come to appreciate attention to detail. So I took 2 old shirts and 2 shirts that I got at an outlet store about a year ago and added some fabric appliques.
You would be surprised how easy it is to do this. (I know what your thinking, and I used to think the same thing, "Oh sure, you can do it but I never could.") All it takes is an old shirt, scrap of fabric, fuse-n-tear stabalizer, heat & bond lite, an iron, and sewing in the zig zag setting. {Iron the fuzzy side of the fuse-n-tear to the back side of your shirt, then iron the bumpy side of the heat&bond to the wrong side of the fabric (a few seconds), cut out your design, peal of the paper, place it on your shirt, and iron a few more seconds. Then use the zig zag all around the edge.} Waaloh! Your new statement piece.

Finding my inner my Little Pony and Mermaid

I recently posted about enjoying nail color with my niece.
While we were picking out nail color, I mentioned that I had thought of getting some hair chalk. And found some the next day. Oh, how much I am loving the purple streaks in my hair. I have known 2 other gorgeous ladies who have added purple to their hair, and it was so beautiful. I just ordered a few new colors here. What's great about this site is that you can order just one if you don't want to try it out before you make a big investment.
Whether it is a red lipstick or a pair of Birkenstocks, or a plain white shirt or a feathered headband, figure out what resonates with you and embrace it. I think you will find yourself happier and more confident.

My wardrobe should get it's Passport stamped

My friend Mary recently made a comment to me that since we were in our 30's we finally had figured out our style of clothes and hair that fit us best. I thought, "I must be a late bloomer, as I feel like I am just starting to grasp the essence of me expressed in my clothes and hair." For a long time I think I struggled wondering about the vanity in it.  Or other times, I would have liked to be dressed more like "Bess," but felt I couldn't afford to or was unsure of how to start.
One of my mom's best qualities is that she loves her children deeply, but stands back to let us make our own decisions in life. And when she does make a comment, she tries to be ever so gentle, so when a few months ago she quietly mentioned that I might should get some new shoes, I knew it was past time. Then taking a open eyed look at my shoes to see how bedraggled they were, I realized that was not the image I want to put out there about myself.
I think with most things in life, it can be advantageous to pursue what makes us happy, if it can add to our life without taking it over. Balance. To enjoy it but not be consumed with it. So I started the ongoing process of "Bessifying" my wardrobe. And, oh, what a pretty rainbow my closet is becoming.

I have found some beautiful dresses for 50 cents at a thrift store. Been given hand-me-down jeans and blouses for free. And then, I've spruced up some plain shirts with fabric appliques. And I've fallen in love with my lilac cotton scarf with bluebirds. And gotten a few razorback tanks. But what I am most excited about is over the next few weeks, I will be receiving packages from Thailand, India, & Israel, for custom ordered flowy pants (that with shipping didn't exceed $40 a pair) on etsy and ebay. And I'm still searching for the perfect fabric for harem pants.  
I remember being in NYC once as a young girl and even then I was drawn to the bright yet natural colors and flowy styles of Eastern cultures. Then in my 20s when I would visit Spain, I fell in love with their free spirit mixed with practicality. 
It has been so much fun growing my wardrobe to fit my lifestyle and personality. Soft and comfy filled with natural, yet vibrant color that is unique, pretty, and practical.

The gift that lay beyond the door

"It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat."

-lyrics to "Eet" by Regina Spektor

The beauty of completely losing yourself is in finding yourself fully again.
Compared to partly losing yourself, you may not even realize part of you is missing.
(Makes me think of The Princess Bride, mostly dead and all dead.)

I wrote the following over a year and a half ago. The journey back takes time; I know as I am still journeying. But keep on, you will be glad you did, when you look in the mirror and see the you you had always wanted to be. And in the in between, be kind to the you that is now.

"Outside was beckoning me with the sun peeping in the window
I was too busy organizing the clutter of my thoughts
If it was not for a restless frustration of my small one
I would have missed the gift that lay beyond the door
Everything was bathed in sunlight and wetness from the rain gone
And I saw my life -- the freshness after the rain
Silky blue sky, fluffy clouds, & a few lingering grey ones with light around
A deep breath
A newness
 Suddenly life was a blank canvas & I knew what colors to add."

So be sad.

The past few days, weeks, and years I have been coming to grips about change in my life. And of late, I have been extremely sad. But it has been good to be sad. (Sounds crazy, I know.) But when doors close, (although I know on the other side of this sadness there is the most beautiful life awaiting me), it is important to mourn. I am all about focusing on the positive and being hopeful. And I am still those things in the midst of this. Past denial, I am allowing myself to just sit here in the sadness, until somewhere inside I know I can move on. Retreating to lick my wounds till I feel more whole.
I remember another sad time in my life and I was professionally encouraged that I should get "help" with my sadness in the form of medication. I do believe she intended well. Those that loved me wanted me to be well. And so did I. I didn't know then, that it is ok to be sad. In fact, I would go as far as to say it is healthy for a time. I hear my own voice (that is normally informing my son, "It's ok to be sad."), and I now use it for me.
I think of emotional intelligence, a concept I have much to learn about. But the premise is to be aware of your feelings in an effort to be more grounded in how you live. (forgive my poor description.)
"I'm sad," I tell myself. "So be sad," I respond.
So what now? I choose not to feel hopeless. I choose to, while being sad, be grateful as well. To continue to move. Move fast even, as I have been here for quite some time & feel ready to move on. It's time to act. Follow my heart. To not be paralyzed. Follow the flicker of joy and beauty and love.
I choose to face this now instead of letting it linger the rest of my life so that I can once again be happy, healthy, and helpful.

Shadow

A memory came to me in the form of a tiny kitten. This little black creature appeared in our yard and started to follow our sweet Daniel cat  everywhere, even up and down the trees. The name Shadow seemed appropriate. (Look under Daniel in the picture and you will find Shadow.)
But then I realized there was more significance of Shadow than meets the eye.
In a way, this teeny kitten was my shadow, as well. Scrawny and scared, and a bit worse for wear, it came here, just as I did about a year ago. Both of us with out another place to go, both feeling unwanted, and unable to care for our basic needs. There is a hole on Shadow's right side that is still open but looks like its been there quite awhile by the look of the loss of fur. I too came with my own emotional wounds. I think of who I am today, far from scrawny and no longer fearful. The fear of life not supporting me, of being alone, of letting others down, of accepting help, of not being able to be who I wanted, has been replaced with a belief that "all is well", of being at peace and feeling confident, of knowing how to accept love, and hopeful "To dream the impossible dream."
I don't know if I will be able to keep Shadow the cat for good (as I do not yet live in my own home) but at the least she has eaten today and been talked to sweetly. At the least, I will get her to a friend who has contacts at a local shelter.
I went out just now in the dark of night to check on her and, as I figured, she stayed in the shadows.
But wouldn't it be incredible if my own home found me soon, and Shadow and I could both find a place for both of us to call home together.

Wonderful people

Sometimes I forget that I really love people. Not specific ones, just in general. They can really be wonderful. For instance, today at the beach a couple sent there little one (she couldn't have been older than 2) to the Italian Ice cart by herself with some money (not such a wonderful thing to do.) After she tried to give my son her money for his Italian Ice, she made her way closer to the cart then turned and tried to give her money to a man sitting in a chair. When he pointed to the cart and she didn't move, he got up and went with her to help her get her sweet treat. He stayed with her till she got it and sent her on her way with the change once he had helped her pick her flavor. What a wonderful thing that man did to help such an innocent one, and the beautiful thing is that he did not have to, he didn't even know her.
Then I had a few glimpses today of 3 different moms with their son that just radiated life. The first was a mom teaching her son to boogie board,; she was with him in the water for the longest time. The second was the deep open smile of a mom playing with her son in the waves, and the third was a mom with a baby boy. She was dancing him around talking or singing to him.
They are out there if you look for it--The kind people, the joyful people, and if you want to see a smiling face just share one of yours (its crucial that its a genuine one) with someone else (even if its not anyone you know), and most likely you will be greeted with a deep smile in return.
Or maybe there's no one around and you don't have it in you to smile, then look around and enjoy something. The colorful clouds at dusk, the stars in the country sky, the sun shining, the fact that you are comfy and fed, look close enough till you see something that brings a deep smile. You may need to make a change to find it, but it will be worth it when you do.

The rule

I had the best time today at the beach with my little boy. One of his favorite things to do is jump the waves. I stay close by, letting him have the freedom to play and face some big waves by himself. Other times, I scoop him up and fly him across a big wave. I even stood behind him some so that when the force of the waves pushed him back the strength of my legs would keep him up. But not so much that he depended on my legs to always be there. And then there were a few times when I wasn't able to get to him till after he was under for a second or he would go under and get out himself.

I wondered what would be the best rule of letting him fall or not, of being with him every step or letting  him do it all himself. And I decided that my rule should be: There are no rules,  except to stay close.

Just like life, I think it is good to have a mix. Of having people in your life to fall back on or to jump with. But it is also good to be knocked down and know that you can get back up again all by yourself. Or sometimes to be pulled out when the force against you is too great to bear. And even though you are not sure what every wave will bring, at least your out there in the midst of life instead of sitting on the sand wondering if the waves will knock you down or be a great adventure.

Videos that make me smile

This one goes back to dorm days with Kim. I would listen to it over and over and dance along.

 

 

 

This is a new one that makes me smile.